Dear 16 year old me,
There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things I wish I could save you from, and stop you from doing. I know you are feeling hurt, betrayed and worthless right now, but I promise you won't feel this way forever.
It's going to take you a few years, and even now, at 19, you're still not fully there, but eventually you won't be so self conscious about your body and the way you look. You will begin to open your eyes and see that people do actually love you just the way you are. You will begin to love yourself and not see yourself as the ugly, horrible person I know you think you are.
You will lose your very best friend this year and that one is going to cut you deep. It's going to hurt you for a very long time. I can't tell you that you will be over this sooner than you think because it's been 3 years and it still hurts. I know eventually though that it will go away. When you meet the boy who you think will love you forever, don't push all of your friends away to be with him. And when he leaves you, don't chase after him. It's going to destroy your heart but darling I promise you, you will be okay. After a few months of hurting, you will pick yourself up and become a much better person because of it. Don't get your blades out again, they won't help. They will only make things worse. They aren't going to make him come back to you, so just let them, and him, go.
I know you and mom aren't on the best of terms right now either... You're feeling like she doesn't understand you at all. You think she's suffocating you and that all she wants to do is make your life worse. The more time you spend away from home, the easier things are because that means less fighting, right? Let me tell you, you are so wrong about all of that. Give her the chance to open up to you once in awhile. Stop pushing her away all the time and eventually you'll start to see that she isn't the bad guy. I know you don't see it but she is just trying to protect you and trying to stop you from making the same mistakes she did. Pushing her away is only making everything ten times worse. She loves you so much more than you could ever imagine, I wish I could show you how much you are hurting her too.. Don't worry though, things will get better. You've had 3 years to get to know her better. You will spend more time at home and you'll realize that she is also human and not a horrible person. Give her a chance, I promise you won't regret it.
You'll find God again too, darling. Overflow 2012 changes your life. You will start the weekend not wanting to be there at all. You don't think anything will change in you because you're so angry at the world that you just don't care anymore. But let me tell you, by the second worship song, you've already broken down. Then the speaker comes on stage. His main point is "Don't go back to your Egypt." Your Egypt, your comfort zone when life is hard, is cutting. It is the last toxic thing in your life that needs to go and you've been hanging on to it for far too long. It's a hard struggle but one day you will let go of it, believe me. You will never forget that weekend at Overflow. Most of your friends forgave you for pushing them away and you finally forgave yourself for all of horrible things that you had done in the past few months. Hold on to the hope you felt that weekend because it will carry you through many more hard times. I know you're going through a tough time right now but it will not last forever. When you're having a bad day, stay close to God and remember that he loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine.
One day you won't be ashamed of all of the wrong things you have done in the past. You won't have to hide anything anymore. One day soon you will realize that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You will use your bad experiences for good things. Your biggest fear that no man will ever love you because of what you have done - that means nothing anymore. In a few years you will find a wonderful man who loves you just the way you are. He won't look down on you because of your mistakes but instead, he will love you despite them. Every flaw and every scar makes you who you are and you shouldn't regret a single thing, darling. You were made to do incredible things.
"You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."
"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain."
Hold on to these lyrics too, they will help you out a lot. I'll see you in a few years.
Love,
Me
