Sara H.

Dear 19 to 20 year old me,

It's me, your 34 year old self. You know the one who's been married 12 years, has a 9 year old son and a mortgage. Also, we're just about done paying off our student loans – woo hoo!

I think you're doing alright, but I want to make a couple of recommendations and give you a bit of insight.

1. Don't break up with Jeff.

Save yourself the heartache and stupidity. Yeah, you'll learn some stuff about people and making good choices and other stuff, but the risks far outweigh any perceived benefits. You will spend years dealing with guilt and issues related to self-worth. Tears will flow.

Jeff is your “person”. If maybe he's slightly aimless now, he will become a man, husband and father that will make women everywhere jealous. Hold him tight and don't let him go. Also, he refuses to use bathroom spray after...well...you know. Get over this now. You'll be doing yourself a favour.

2. Get back to church.

How many times did your faith in Jesus keep you from disaster in High School? So, why are you running scared now. Yeah, you made some poor choices, but God's grace is big enough for anything you can dish out. Stop beating yourself up. Also, forget about the “church people” that have hurt you, their faith is their own and they're only people, just trying to muddle through the same as you – don't be so self-righteous. Get back to God. He heals and forgives.

3. Stop comparing yourself.

You need to learn this now girlie. You're an original. Nobody's going to be like you, do life like you or be the women you are. This will save you a ton of heartache too.

4. Be confident! You're not meant to hide in the shadows. You're not the lies you've believed. Get down with your bad self and let your freak flag fly.

5. You're beautiful. Deal with it. Stop with the list you're reciting right now about all of your imperfections. Just deal. Learn this now so when all those years of bemoaning your inability to gain weight come back to bite you in your expanding ass it's not such a hardship.

6. This is the most important.

Read carefully.    Don't look back.

7. At 34, I wouldn't change. I know making different choices would have made things easier, but overall I love who we become. So, don't look back, look forward. Don't stand still and stagnate, don't get lost reminiscing/overthinking about the past, embrace who you are now, the destiny you have and run with it full tilt into a bright future.

You're going to be amazing!

Kisses!

Sara Horney

(Yep. Spoiler alert! Horney. He's going to ask you to marry him. You'll say yes.)

Stephanie A.

Dear 16 year old me,

There are so many things I wish I could change, so many things I wish I could save you from, and stop you from doing. I know you are feeling hurt, betrayed and worthless right now, but I promise you won't feel this way forever.

It's going to take you a few years, and even now, at 19, you're still not fully there, but eventually you won't be so self conscious about your body and the way you look. You will begin to open your eyes and see that people do actually love you just the way you are. You will begin to love yourself and not see yourself as the ugly, horrible person I know you think you are.

You will lose your very best friend this year and that one is going to cut you deep. It's going to hurt you for a very long time. I can't tell you that you will be over this sooner than you think because it's been 3 years and it still hurts. I know eventually though that it will go away. When you meet the boy who you think will love you forever, don't push all of your friends away to be with him. And when he leaves you, don't chase after him. It's going to destroy your heart but darling I promise you, you will be okay. After a few months of hurting, you will pick yourself up and become a much better person because of it. Don't get your blades out again, they won't help. They will only make things worse. They aren't going to make him come back to you, so just let them, and him, go.

I know you and mom aren't on the best of terms right now either... You're feeling like she doesn't understand you at all. You think she's suffocating you and that all she wants to do is make your life worse. The more time you spend away from home, the easier things are because that means less fighting, right? Let me tell you, you are so wrong about all of that. Give her the chance to open up to you once in awhile. Stop pushing her away all the time and eventually you'll start to see that she isn't the bad guy. I know you don't see it but she is just trying to protect you and trying to stop you from making the same mistakes she did. Pushing her away is only making everything ten times worse. She loves you so much more than you could ever imagine, I wish I could show you how much you are hurting her too.. Don't worry though, things will get better. You've had 3 years to get to know her better. You will spend more time at home and you'll realize that she is also human and not a horrible person. Give her a chance, I promise you won't regret it.

You'll find God again too, darling. Overflow 2012 changes your life. You will start the weekend not wanting to be there at all. You don't think anything will change in you because you're so angry at the world that you just don't care anymore. But let me tell you, by the second worship song, you've already broken down. Then the speaker comes on stage. His main point is "Don't go back to your Egypt." Your Egypt, your comfort zone when life is hard, is cutting. It is the last toxic thing in your life that needs to go and you've been hanging on to it for far too long. It's a hard struggle but one day you will let go of it, believe me. You will never forget that weekend at Overflow. Most of your friends forgave you for pushing them away and you finally forgave yourself for all of horrible things that you had done in the past few months. Hold on to the hope you felt that weekend because it will carry you through many more hard times. I know you're going through a tough time right now  but it will not last forever. When you're having a bad day, stay close to God and remember that he loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine.

One day you won't be ashamed of all of the wrong things you have done in the past. You won't have to hide anything anymore. One day soon you will realize that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You will use your bad experiences for good things. Your biggest fear that no man will ever love you because of what you have done - that means nothing anymore. In a few years you will find a wonderful man who loves you just the way you are. He won't look down on you because of your mistakes but instead, he will love you despite them. Every flaw and every scar makes you who you are and you shouldn't regret a single thing, darling. You were made to do incredible things.

"You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain."

Hold on to these lyrics too, they will help you out a lot. I'll see you in a few years.

Love,
Me

Nikki T.

Hey Nicola,

It's me, you in 27 years.  You had a pretty rough day today and that kid was really mean.  Sometimes (and I know you've heard this a 1000 times) kids make fun of another kid to make themselves feel better because they have something in their life that is making them hurt.  I am sure that he did it just to win his friends over and draw the attention to himself.  You did not deserve the ridicule or pain he caused you.  All you did was give your classmates the honest truth about why you found the 3km run harder than the rest of them.  See, unfortunately, without you sitting down and taking off that running shoe they didn't believe you because they could not see.  They didn't see that your right foot doesn't look like your left one exactly.  They didn't see your "lucky fin" (threw in a Nemo reference there because someday you are going to be a HUGE Disney fanatic who will marry a prince charming who is also a big kid at heart but I digress...).  

You see, your mum was a fighter just like you.  During those long hours of labour and being told by the doctor that your head had turned sideways, she knew you were going to come out fighting and she never gave up.  NEVER, EVER give up.  Finally after a c-section surgery, you came into this world.  But, due to the doctor's delay in performing the c-section, there was a complication.  You had suffered a little damage due to lack of oxygen and even developed a "shock spot" on your little newborn head.  (And you thought you were born with a blonde streak from natural beauty - well sorta).  It wasn't until you started the crawl-to-walk phase that your parents discovered there was a little bit of a motor skill problem with your right leg and foot.  A doctor's visit led to the discovery of a mild case of Cerebral Palsy.  Your parents being the wonderful people they are, took it in stride and decided to proceed with physiotherapy to enable their little girl to manage this as best as possible.  

And so, now that we've had that recap.  Let me disclose to you some very important things to keep in mind during your teens, and early adulthood.

1.  God don't make no junk.

2.  Yes your right calf muscle isn't as strong as the left and yes your right foot is a little different looking then the left - who cares! You hide the toes on your right foot when barefoot because you are ashamed.  WHY? Just because one side is different than the other doesn't change your character or who you ARE.  It worked for Nemo!

3.  You are blessed and you know that.  You are always thankful for each day and you feel such compassion for those with disabilities.  Take to heart that God creates everyone with a purpose.

4.  In 7 years time, you are going to graduate from college! (Ooops that was supposed to be a surprise).  But I can't help myself - you have been saved by God's grace and even though you have the 'slight' disability - he has blessed you with the love of knowledge.

So, don't listen to that boy who said he thought you were lying about being born with CP.  He doesn't know the obstacles you have overcome and luckily, he won't be around for your VICTORIES! You know your limits and you know when to SMASH them to pieces.  Keep your head up, be a good friend to those who hang out with, always tell those you love that you love them.  It is COOL to be best friends with your mum and dad.  Believe in yourself.  You will always meet someone who says "no you can't" (including yourself) but you will find joy when you do something you thought you couldn't - just remember to thank God when you do ;) .  

Take care of that lucky fin girl and remember, it is not what defines you - it is what makes you STRONG! 

Love ya!

You in 27 years.

Sarah Y.

Dear 15-year old me,

I wish I could make you see how beautiful you are. You’re not going to believe it for a long time and you’re going to fight it, but it’s the truth. I wish I could tell you to stand tall with your head up – I know you slouch because you’re insecure, but it’s really bad for your posture, and tall is beautiful, despite the awkward looks and comments you get. I know the last thing you want to do is stand out in a crowd, but truth is, you’re only gonna get taller, not shorter, baby! Don’t worry, though, you’ll learn to embrace your height and love your long legs! Also, take it easy on the black eyeliner – I don’t know what you are trying to prove, but it’s not pretty! On the topic of self-image stuff, I wish I could let you know that beauty is not a number on the scale, and being dangerously thin does not make you more desirable. It might take a few years and lots of healing, but you’ll get it eventually, believe me.

You’re gonna go through a hard few years, feeling completely alone, like nobody really “gets” you. You’re going to want to move far away just to find a “true” community full of people who “get” you. You’re going to feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole much of the time. But guess what? You’re never going to fit into a mold, and that’s okay! Just to whet your appetite though, you’re going to spend 6 life-changing months with people like you! You’re going to start to find out who you really are, shed a lot of lies from the past, and walk in lots of freedom. 

You’ll find this hard to believe – after those 6 incredible months, the next few years are going to be even better. Your mind will be blown! You’ll never imagine where you’ll end up: a little city called Brantford in southwestern Ontario. Never heard of it? Well, neither did I until three years ago. You’re gonna find an amazing community there. Lifelong friendships will be built from the relationships you will develop in those years, and you’ll get to live in the same city and in the same house as one of your closest friends – how cool is that?! There will be people who will become like family to you, so don’t worry about stepping into the great unknown by yourself!

Also, it’s gonna take you a while, but you’re gonna find your voice again. The experience with your voice teacher is going to hurt and take some future healing - it’s going to make you even more self-conscious about your lower alto voice, but one day, you’re actually going to love your voice. I know you only sing in your room with all the doors closed so that no one can hear you, but one day, you’re going to be able to sing fearlessly into that mic with confidence and boldness! That’s your 21-year-old self speaking, from experience!

One last thing: enjoy every moment with your family. It might take moving halfway across the world for you to realize how valuable they are to you, but you’ll get it eventually. Keep trusting and letting your parents into your life: they are going to be your number one fans in the years to come and will be some of your closest friends. They’re also pretty wise ;) You shouldn’t try to hide what you’re feeling from them.

Keep your head up, girly! Your future is bright; I believe in you! 

Dani M.

Hey kiddo...

We'll start on a good note and go from there.
That not so tiny little man your holding and kissing and wishing the best for right now, is growing up to be an incredible young man. Even though you'll feel like your failing him at times, he knows above all else, that you love him.
He's been handed the crap end of the stick a lot. Some things you could have avoided, some were beyond your control. Through it all however, he has maintained his sweet, kind, considerate nature. He still hugs and kisses you when you drop him off to school. He still reaches for your hand while he sits in the passenger seat of the car. He's getting older, and smellier, and he has your attitude..good luck with that by the way.
He's not the only little person to steal your heart however. You have 2 little girls too, and another baby on the way. I know you must be blown away right now. Trust me. It is possible to love them as much as you love Mason.
No, their dad is not who you're with right now, and your first princess isn't from who you're with now.. but believe me - the man you marry in the end and have your little blonde beauty with, he is going to love your kids just as much as you do. I know that's a lot to take and I'm sure now you're reeling but believe me it's so worth all you've gone through. He'll teach how you deserve to be treated: he makes you feel safe, loved and appreciated. You'll never have any doubt about how he really feels about you.
But before you get there, you need to know that your current relationship is poison. You'll see that someday, before someone ends up getting really hurt.
Next, you'll have your heart broken - don't keep yourself from that experience, but keep in mind that when it ends (and it will) hold it together. He is just a stepping stone to where your meant to be. Remembering that may save you months of the most excruciating pain you may ever feel. 
You heal though. 
You get through. 
You learn.
Then you meet Blake (he's the one I just told you about). 
Don't do a damn thing differently! This is where your last 28 years for crap  turn around (ya, sorry, you've got 6 years of growing to get to this part). You get married and have a baby and just over a year later you'll be pregnant again (and in that order. You did it smart this time, marriage then babies).
Oh by the way, You find GOD!! Don't roll your eyes. You're in this amazing kind of peace that you didn't know existed before. This tingly feeling comes over you, and you know, without a doubt that no matter what, you're loved and cared for. This time is different. Just trust me.
If you keep the mind set you have right now, life may seem lame. You'll be disappointed. You're not rich, or skinny, you don't have a beautiful mansion or a sick job. You'll need to get past that. It will keep you from truly enjoying the riches you already have.
Hang in there kid. You have a long, shitty road ahead, but you pull it together, promise. It's not easy, but it makes you the strong, compassionate, loving mother, wife and friend you are now.
Oh, and you get a sweet tat. Figured you'd like that one :) 

Love,
   Me..well, you.

Caylee M.

Caylee,

There are so many things I can say to you about how much better life will get, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t come with a huge struggle. I know you think you know exactly where your life will go. You think you will stay the perfect Christian brat you are and become a teacher one day. That life will give you the perfect boyfriend, and everything will be great. You need to snap out of that as soon as possible, because that mindset will only get you hurt. Right now, the Christianity thing isn’t so high on your list of priorities, and it has a lot to do with conflicts you’ll face at church. It’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You need to find yourself in your faith if that’s what you plan to do. Things will change very drastically for you when you go to Carleton. Please, don’t be friends with those girls. You’ll find your home with Hilary. It’s not going to be a permanent one, but it will get you through those 2 years. Don’t think that boys are all that matters and you definitely don’t always need to be dating someone. Aaron is bad news. As much as you think you are in love with him, he will hurt you in ways you never imagined happening, and it’s something that will spiral on in future relationships. Stay away from him for your own sake.

 The main thing you need to know here is that nobody is going to help you. You have to pull yourself through all your problems. You will spend so much time crying over things that you could have avoided so easily, so use your judgement well before you make decisions. High school changes your life even more, and I know you’re so excited to grow up and go to an awesome one, but again, use your judgement.  Not everyone is as nice as you think they are. If you’ve listened to me at all, you won’t have built up such a huge wall around yourself as I have, and maybe that will change everything for you in high school, I don’t know. Let me tell you one thing: Jeff Burton is not the be-all-end-all of boys for you. Yes, he has the potential to rip your heart out and stomp all over it, and he will probably do that, so please, don’t get attached. When grade 11 comes around, this is where you have to be extremely careful where you tread. You can be friends with Scott and Jalen, but trust me; you don’t want to get involved otherwise. It makes for a very awkward year and a half.

If you haven’t managed to listen to me and have made all these mistakes anyway, you should now be at the point where you no longer believe in love, and feel completely lost. You have no idea what you’re going to do with your life, or how to go about making anything happen. Well, stop right there. You should know that nothing in life comes easy, and like I already said your destiny is in your hands; you decide where your life is going and it has to be you who gets you there. Grade 12 is where your major problems end, for now at least. I can’t tell you how it will work out in the end, but the past 2 and a half years have been wonderful to you. You will find a love that makes you happier than you ever thought you had the capacity to be. I know you think emotions are weakness, but you will spend a lot of time crying over silly arguments because that is how much you love him. You lose a few friends, but you also gain 4 amazing ones that you can tell anything to. Don’t worry, you get pretty good-looking if I do say so myself; weight shifts around and drops off, you finally grow into that nose of yours, and you fit into a small at department stores again. (If that doesn’t make you excited about the future, I don’t know what will.)

Embrace your body, embrace your personality, learn to love the little things you can do and be yourself. You will learn a lot of this through falling in love, because you will realize that if someone else can love you with all your imperfections, it can’t be that hard for you to do it too. My only wish is that you love yourself without needing his love and approval. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman, and you have every right to believe that.

As a whole, remember that it is the little things in life that make us who we are. It doesn’t matter if everyone knows your name, or if you save the world from impending doom. What really matters is that person you buy coffee for because they forgot their wallet, or that paper you pick up and chase after the owner with. Those hours that feel like minutes you spend taking in all that is around you and studying the beauty of the person you love sleeping next to you. All these moments, these are what we should live for. Seeing beauty and happiness rather than hatred and anger.

Oh, and drink in moderation! Your stomach doesn’t like you otherwise.

I love you Cutie Cayls.