Corine V.

Dear 15 year old me,

Moving out of your mother’s house was the right decision and trying to take Kerri with you was never your responsibility. Stop thinking “what if…” and work with what you’ve got. Learn from her mistakes and remember that you are responsible for your own happiness, don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that the world owes it to you.

Stop being so scared of everything and everyone. At the end of the day, you’re probably always going to be introverted, but if you stop being so sweaty and shy and you go and get yourself some social skills and just TALK TO PEOPLE, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and avoid a ton of loneliness. You’re intelligent and funny and interesting and creative and you should have no problem showing other people that side of you.

You need to remember to be independent and strong and loud and brave and do your best to lead by example. And don’t forget what Steve told you:

Life isn’t hard, you wake up every morning and your brain takes care of all the breathing.

That sentence is going to stick with you so keep repeating it to yourself because it will put everything into perspective anytime you feel like whining or feeling sorry for yourself or giving up. You have way too much potential to waste your time feeling miserable.

Your heart is going to get shit on pretty badly, and more than once. You’ll be fine and you’ll learn so much about life and about yourself. Just remember that you should always admit when you’re wrong and always apologize when you’re sorry. When it’s all said and done, everything will be forgiven and your heart will start to feel a little less heavy and a little less tired as time goes on.

Eventually you’re going to meet a really great guy. Do your best not to hurt him, try even harder to let him in. You’re the luckiest little shit on the planet to have found someone like him and as much as you like to think you can bullshit your way through any situation, you can’t. On your birthday when he tells you that he loves you, tell him you love him back because YOU DO! You might feel scared and uncertain but all I can tell you is to take it one day at a time, go at a pace thats comfortable for you, and try not to spread yourself too thin. 

One more thing:

You may think you don’t need anyone, but at some point everybody needs someone.

Don’t ever be too afraid or too proud to ask for help. Speak up a little more. Try to be a little less stubborn and a little less impulsive and a little less of an asshole. Stay positive and go out and get whatever it is that you want. You’re young and so capable and the world isn’t going to wait for you.

PS: Your Dad, Lynda, and Kerri are awesome, try to let them know a little more often.

Michelle I. Part 2

Dear Shell,
  Although I've already written to you when you were 17, in the attempt to have you avoid a lifetime of pain and betrayal, knowing you as I do, you didn't listen. So I again writing you at 27 for there are two periods in your life where you made fatally wrong mistakes that I have always wished I could time travel and make right the wrongs.
  During this time, you finally had the courage to separate from Mike and you and the kids were living in a beautiful, big country home. At first, it was definitely rough. Emotions were high and courage was low. But you found strength, after going back to church, to embrace these changes and flourish. What was once a lonely, desperate, all hope lost living woman, was a confident thriving always joyful woman. Not someones wife. I had a name. I had an identity. Going back to the church I was married in and had had my children dedicated in was at first humiliating and painful. But everyone welcomed me and the kids and before long I was a sunday school teacher, I was a member of the ladies auxiliary and I was HAPPY! For the first time, since I made the fatal error of marrying mike, (I was never in love with him and never fell in love with him....ever). One day, while working in the flower beds I heard a familiar voice calling my name. Donald Ings. My heart was ready to jump out of my chest and I felt like I was gonna faint. I still loved him so much. But he was married, although I didn't know at the time that he too had married out of desperation, not love, because his heart was broken that I was no longer available.
  So, just when you and the kids were really starting to be happy, enjoy life and feel the weight of years spent with Mike and all that.......crap started to lift, Mike came to you and asked for a reconciliation. And I can still remember a voice in your head screaming NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK! STAY ON THIS COURSE!!!!!!
But.......You won't listen. And as a result spent years of absolute hell, misery and abuse.
   It took 23 years to be free of him and to be reunited with your one true love, Donald Ings. 
If I could go back and have do overs, it would be at these two letters and times in our life where I know by making the wrong choices our destiny was sealed in pain..

Love, 
2013 Shell. 

Meghan R.

Dear 16 year old Meghan,

You’re going to be really upset with you parents come September. Your time as a swimmer is up, they are not letting you swim anymore and you won’t understand why. It’s going to feel like a huge part of you is dead, you won’t know who you are anymore, and you’re going to cry a lot. Listen to those around you who understand. Celia and Kass will help you get through it. But you have to know that even though it feels like one of the worst things that has every happened to you, it’s for the best. God has better things in store for you. Those girls you loved and swam with are going to do things that will break your heart and you’ll realize how glad you are that you aren’t swimming. He gives you the opportunity to open your world to something new: coaching. You’re going to have two little girls that brighten your day. They will be apart of your life for a long time. They are the start of a new passion for you. A few years down the road you’ll be truly in love with coaching. And you’ll get one more amazing chance to swim - with new teammates and old. It’s the best feeling and it’s just what you need in your second year of university (you get to stay with Brant because you go to Laurier Brantford to pursue another passion - teaching!) It’s going to feel really, really awful for the first few months, but girl, you have great things in store! Staying with synchro, even if not as a swimmer, you will create friendships that will last forever. Maddie will make you die laughing, Cara will become a treasured friend, and Steph will be there when you make the worst mistakes and help you through new steps of life. Just because you don’t see God’s great plan on the night your parents tell you, know that he really truly has a plan. You get to coach, you get to be a youth leader, you gain confidence (especially from your French Drama class with the best teacher ever- you’ll be her babysitter eventually!), and you’ll have time to yourself to grow in other ways.

Soon after that, you’re going to meet the man of your dreams. You won’t want to admit it, and you’re going to avoid it. People won’t understand why or how you two came to be. He doesn’t seem like someone who loves God like you do, but he does! Kass will push you to give it a try, and I promise you won’t regret it. You’ll realize he’s the man God made just for you. Don’t be scared to love him or to tell him you do, he loves you like he loves Jesus! Cherish every minute you have with him and his family right now because once you’re out of high school you won’t have very much free time.

Read God’s word often, he has a special message for you. Especially Jeremiah 29:11. Remember that always.

Becca V.

Dear 16-Year-Old Becca,

You're really cool. I just need to start out with that. Please, continue to not worry about your clothing choices, because, if you start trying to match the more popular girls, you're going to end up with some weird combinations. Just believe that you are a cool person, because you really are.

You know why you're cool? Because you care about people. Don't let anyone convince you that the underdog shouldn't have friends. Around this time in your life, people around you are going to get more and more vocal about who to avoid, how to spend your time, and what's important. Don't let your focus waver, and you'll save yourself a whole lot of confusion.

The thing is, you are smart, and there are good things in your heart. Over the next few years, there will be round after round of ammunition unloaded at you that will try to tell you otherwise. "Your priorities are wrong," you'll be told. "What you really need to care about is guys, fashion, Cosmo, and good parties." "Live in the moment," you'll hear. 

Don't believe it. Tomorrow is important, and what you do today has a huge impact on what you'll do later in life. You have a say in what happens to you.

That's what it really boils down to. For some reason, there won't be many people who are proper role models for you to watch, especially when it comes to the things you truly care about. But know this: you are capable of changing the atmosphere around you. There is no need to be intimidated by people with more experience than you, because they all started somewhere, too.

You have things that you care about, that wreck your heart as you dream of change. You can be that change. Yeah, it's confusing and intimidating to do something you've never done before, but do it anyway.

Further, don't be scared to stand up for how you deserve to be treated. It is okay to walk away from some things. Love yourself enough to refuse to surround yourself with negativity, short-sighted people, and the type of friends who only tell you what you want to hear. 

Not all of your friendships or relationships will last forever, but it's okay. Sometimes, friends just come and go. Be excited. You're going to meet some totally inspiring humans in the next ten years.

When it's time for university, please come to Brantford. This place will shake you up just enough to stop that seemingly eternal spinning head of yours. Look for the good people, and soak up what they have to say. 

And pick up the phone more often. You may have needed to get space from your family, but they love you and you love them. If you play it right, the distance can bring you closer together.

Remember that ammunition I mentioned? One of the most important things it will attack is your perspective on God and who he is. At 16, your faith is strong, you're full of passion, and yeah, you're confused because you don't agree with everything you've been taught. But don't tune him out because what you know he wants for you is inconvenient. Listen to him. He's smarter than you and he loves you more than you love yourself. Trust me. It's worth it.

So have fun. Don't stress out. Be who you want to be, and don't try to fit the mold. Worse case scenario, you'll only have a couple of people who get you while you're still in high school. But then you'll find the people who not only get you, but inspire you to go even further in pursuit of the things you care about.

Lastly, brace yourself. You're going to laugh and you're going to cry. Stuff will happen, but that same stuff will end. You will be okay. Live those days and let them leave their marks on your timeline. They'll make the big picture better. 

You got this, girl.

Love,

Older Bec

Rachelle M.

Dear Teenage Me,

There is no specific age that I can totally direct this whole letter to. This letter is for your entire life. I know it has been a hard one for you to go through. All I can do today is give you an outlook on the things you have been threw and the things you have yet to learn about.

I know it has been hard for you to grow up without a mom. I know you question yourself every day. All I can promise you that in the future you will see and understand why she left and you will understand why your dad made the choices for you that he did. You may not like your dad at this moment, but you can’t hold it all against him for your whole life. He is only trying to do the best a father can do with what he has had given to him.

Your dad has done his best to provide for you while trying to get his own life together. It’s not easy to be a single parent in the time that you have been around. The world is a hard place to grow up in and people do some really stupid and scary things and will hurt you. Don’t ever forget that even though he didn’t believe what you have told him about those men. You will find the strength within yourself and eventually have the ammunition you need to prove him wrong. When the time comes it will be bitter sweet. It won’t make the scars go away but it will fade them almost to invisible. When he kicks you out, just remember he doesn’t understand you’re acting up and why you do the things you do. He really just thinks you are a bad teenager and doesn’t see quite yet where he went wrong. He will!!

When you get to that high school and you start dating that guy that sets your whole life in a downward spiral, try to keep in mind that you are only looking for someone to save you from the pain you feel inside. Keep your eyes open because the one that really does that for you is sitting in a classroom right down the hall and I know you can see him. It’s just not the right time for either of you because he too has pain and scars that will make it impossible for you two to flourish together. The time will come!

You need to realize that those boys that push you to do things that are against what you truly know and believe are just out for them and really don’t care about your feelings in the end. But you also need to stand proud as you go on this journey of life because I know how many times you could have so easily given up and ended all that pain! You fought through it and there is a reason!  This I know for sure!

So when all those girls pick on you, chase you and beat you or those boys hurt you and takes your dignity, believe in yourself and stand tall because the best is yet to come! Don’t let it scar you more then you already are because it makes it so much harder to let people in. When the time is right you will stand up for yourself and have the strength to hold your own. I won’t say that when this day comes it will be easy, you will lose a lot. You will lose that baby you always wanted, your marriage will fall apart (it was never meant to be anyways), friends will turn their backs on you! But that boy from high school that was sitting down the hall, and the angel up in heaven watching down on you, will make it all worthwhile.  So do me one favour and remember every ounce of pain you feel right now will be so much more worth it when you find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Love you as an adult!

P.S. When that boy down the hallway tells you he loves you! Trust him! Don’t let anything hold you back! And be sure to kick his butt  once in a while because he needs it some times

Victoria L.

• Dear 16 year old Victoria,
• 
  

  
  

  I debated for a while over which age to reach out to you at, 16 is best because I know right now you are happy enough to listen a little bit.

  You need to learn to breathe girl, seriously. Take the time to inhale and exhale fully. During this time you may find that someone else speaks, and that is ok. You don't have to constantly be the one streaming out your thoughts. You might even find that in the time you take to refill your lungs that something worth sharing will occur to you.

  Stop focusing on having something worth sharing and respect that others will want to share with you. In the time that someone else is speaking, stop thinking about what you will say next and really listen to what they are offering.

  Stop bulldozing through conversations. It's something you are working on still at 27 so be thankful I am trying to give you a head start. Breathe kid, because at 24 you are going to want to hold your lungs still like concrete. Praying that the foundations you build for yourself now wont buckle while the fallacies of a kind hearted world split under it. Yes, that is coming my little love. I could advise you against the cause of this, but we both know you would take the ride anyway in the hope that I am wrong. Good for you.

  At 23 your Grandma Taylor gave me some great advice that I am going to give you early. "Remember that you are a lady, you do not yell back. If he can't control his temper then you control yours. You are a lady, you do not need to yell." Now, that is pretty archaic. Take from that, you again need to stop and breathe before you react to things. You have this tendency to kinda black out in a rage and spill incoherent angry thoughts. Quit it. You can choose what you put out into the world and thereby tint the way people see you. You can't control it, but you can tint it. If you choose to be seen as happy and together, you will also kinda start to feel that way. Keep it together kid. Loose it when necessary, like maybe once a year.

  Give up on eye liner. It's not for you. Embrace mascara and be glad for it. Move on from the lousiness of the last 10 years. Yeah, shit went down, but if you stop dwelling on it you will start to forget the worst of it soon. You recognize right now that your parents divorce was a really good thing for all involved, but the second step is recognizing your dad's remarriage as one of the best things that will happen to you. Breathe, listen and think. Somewhere in your step-mother is one of the best friends you will have as you approach 30. I know right now your eyes are darting around for sharp objects and a quip about what a loathsome person she is. But so are you sometimes, kid. She is trying to balance a household of teenagers, half of whom are not hers. And she was raised to be hard. Learn to be hard from her, and offer her some of your soft. The two of you are going to find a really amazing balance between the two in almost a decade, and yeah- you're going to yell at each other to find it.

  Fuck off with the boys thing. Let yourself meet guys and be cool, but strong about what you want from them. You will walk away from them, and a few of them will walk away from you, but you will leave little imprints of yourselves behind. Be careful what those are.

  In your 20's you are going to meet a woman who is going to make you wish for things that suddely brings every night you stayed up late to watch old movies, read all day long, swam to your hearts content into perspective. She will make you feel like you are lying in the grass on a chill night looking at the starts with all the hope you have ever felt in your gut as an artist. You are going to be just friends, and that is ok.

  This gay/straight thing you are going to struggle with countless times? You are neither. You are a person who sees and appreciates love and beauty and chemistry. Dig it, go with it, let it flow off you and bring you to the people who will guide you and hold your hand through this life.

  Relax, chill out, breathe. And for fucks sake, it you aren't going to study- at least make better use of the time you spend procrastinating. Pick up a proper book and think for yourself.

  You are going to be alright, step one of that starts when you figure out how awesome you are when your head is not up your ass.

  Loves you, 'Adult' Victoria

Michelle H.

Dear 20 year old me.

Dear Me, right now .

    Things are hard, twenty started off really great, but you’re not done healing from all that brokenness at the end of being 19. No , it didn’t magically go away. It’s okay to feel, don’t be afraid of your emotions, they were God given so you could feel , feel pain , feel joy , in all it’s extremities. 

   Stop being selfish, seriously your friends matter and you can be there for them in the midst of your own desert, it’s possible so just do it because these friends you have , they matter, and they love you , trust them, even if they break it , trust them because life is not meant to be lived protected. Tell them how much you care , even if they don’t tell you , show them you care even if they don’t show you . It’s important and it matters.

  Oh also that whole desire with being married eventually , stop worrying about it , but let your guard down first , learn to let people in despite all the events that have taught you not too. It may be safer but there is absolutely no joy in isolation, so keep it open , when it hurts , when it’s awesome. Wounds only heal with air. It’ll happen you know in your deepest heart that it will so let it go and keep dreaming about it , don’t let immaturity of people take that dream away.

Do your homework , even if you don’t see the point , im sure it’s developing some character inside of you.

Take time to spend with your best friend , make it a priority , life’s gonna change and she’s not going to be in the bed across from you forever.

Love your school , you will never ever have this atmosphere again and it will be gone before you know it . 

Oh also , let Steph in , if she’s the only one , she loves you and she cares and she’s not going to hurt you.

Above all girl , i know you’ve been broken and sometimes it feels like you’ve just been thrown into a washer being tumbled and hurt and rubbed up against but you still come out dirty and broken, but you’re not Christ died so you’d come out clean. You love God , but keep pressing on in the ability to love him and others more, make your life count , you only have 9 months left of being 20 , make the most of it. and learn to love yourself. Love you hair , love your smile , love your weird various laughs , love your scars and love your gifts. 

Love you Girl

- You

 http://michellehudlin.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/dear-20-year-old-me/

Michelle I. part 1.

Dear Shell,
   I'm going back in time to when you were 17. Now that I've lived my life this far, with lots of joy but too much hurt and disappointment, id like to issue you some advice, perhaps even a warning to make different choices.
  You have already been so hurt by so many people. Your relationship with your father is disconnected  As a result of this you seek the acceptance and approval of the wrong people. I wish i had the power to have you see yourself now, as i am looking back at photographs of you. You were always so convinced that you were never pretty enough, or skinny enough or...just enough. I actually still have a pair of pants that you wore at this time of  self hatred. FYI, most 12 year olds cant fit into them. Silly Girl.
  You are in love with a guy named Donald Ings. For years you were the younger sister that hung around her brothers friends. Your school girl crushed, over the years, developed into love. But because of your self doubt and insecurities, you never seen what was right in front of you, Don had fallen in love with you too. You played a very foolish game to get his attention that cost you 23 years of happiness for you both. You went out with his cousin, whom you later married, out of fear, because you never learned to be true to yourself. 
  If i could, id go back to that night Donald showed up at your door, with all the courage he could muster, to ask you out. Instead of saying no, although i know you were going through something traumatic at the time, you would say yes. And let Donald in let him help you, let him love you the way you've always deserved to be loved.

Amanda M.

Dear 16 year old Amanda,

Let me start by saying, you are beautifully and wonderfully made.  This isn't a concept you are even close to being ready to accept yet, but no worries, you will finally get it...eventually. High school was so hard.  I know you suffered deep hurts at the hands of people who should've been friends, teachers that should have been speaking life, and boys that should have been cherishing you.  At this point in your life, you've just started dating "the one."  (Just so you know, he's not actually "the one."  Super great guy, but your 16 year old imagination is going to get WAAYY ahead of yourself, as well as God's timing.  Your heart will be broken for a bit, but God's going to come and heal you in ways you didn't even know you needed to be healed)  One of the biggest things I wish I could tell you, at this point, is that at 16 years old, you should NOT be dating with the intention of marriage.  Believe it or not, this is going to be advice you will receive.  These people speaking this to you have really good intentions, unfortunately, you needed someone to step up and begin to help you identify the lies that you are believing about yourself (which you'll get, in about 4 years). Instead, I wish I could tell you a few things about yourself, and who you are.  Amanda, you areworthy of love.  You do not need to earn it.  I know you're tired of hearing Mom say it to you, over and over and over.  Guess what, she's right.  She's also going to become your best friend in a couple years, and you're really going to wish you had treated her and Dad better than you did at 16.  You are so blessed.  You have two parents that absolutely adore you, and two really great sisters that are looking up to you, and not really getting the greatest example from right now.  (You're also going to get better at the whole setting a good example thing, no worries).  Also, you are not defined by what others speak about you, call you, or how they treat you.  You are a daughter of the most high King, and you deserve to be treated this way.  There are going to be times when you don't even come close to living up to that title, but thankfully, God is a merciful God, and His grace will cover you.

You're going to make some pretty serious mistakes in the next couple years, Amanda. You're going to believe that the only reason you should be in a relationship is if you're going to marry them, and this is going to cause you to stumble for a time.  You're going to take your faith off of God, and you're going to count on a guy instead, which is totally unfair to him. You're going to make compromises, out of a place of needing to feel love, and believing the lie that you have to earn it.  You're going to be so attached to this guy you're with, that when God tells you to end it, you're going to ignore Him for a very long time, and it's going to cause much more heartache.

But, there's so much happiness that's still to come! God is going to absolutely wreck you, over and over and over with His loving mercy and grace.  He's going to rise you up to places of leadership and authority that you never dreamed of. He's going to allow you to partner with Him to help people break the chains of MAJOR spiritual bondage in their lives.  And best of all, He's going to give you hope. Right now, I know you're so filled with hopelessness.  You're distracted right now, with new love on the horizon.  You think this is going to fill the void that was created by years of low self-esteem, self-hate, and words filled with hate from others.  It's not, only God can do that.  I wish I could go back in time and tell you that God's the only way you're going to get over some of those deeps wounds that have caused you to feel dead inside.  You're so ashamed of some of the things you've done, and some of the choices you've made.  Even though you've tried to escape it, it feels like everywhere you turn the accuser is throwing the evidence of your unworthiness in your face, and the people around just don't seem to be able to forget.  Believe it or not, some people just aren't going to let it go, but you, darling, are going to learn to let it go.

You're going to meet amazing people, make incredible heart friends, and meet the God you've been holding at an arms length for so long. You're going to learn that regardless of what you've done in the past, God will continue to take you as you are,over and over again.  Your story hasn't even begun yet. God has SO MANY amazing things in store for you, and while a part of me wishes I could go back in time so you don't have to go through those things, those things are going to serve such a huge role in being able to get the freedom that you have today.

And just so you know, no matter what anyone says, you embrace that romantic heart of yours.  Keep praying for your husband, and believe that in His time, God's going to bring Him to you.  You do not have your head in the clouds.  It's going to be hard, but after you get a chance to find your identity, you're going to be more and more passionate about waiting for a man that is after God's heart, and he is going to cherish you.  But, until then, enjoy God's relentless pursuit of your heart.  He loves you beyond all reason, and it's all going to be all right.

Love, 22 Year Old Amanda

P.S.  You remember when you were told that you would never make it to university, let alone teacher's college? You're not only going to make it into university, you're going to get into Concurrent Education, and be on track to graduate by the time you're writing this letter.  Atta girl! :)

http://amandamyles.blogspot.ca/2013/10/dear-16-year-old-me.html

Alyssa H.

Hey little one,

I know you hardly love when people call you that, but you should. Despite the lack of it, your size is something that will bring light to someone else's life: especially this little girl named Aislin, you haven't met her yet but she gets teased for being little, you'll help her see there's strength in it. Just like the day you meet Kristina Carrol and you realize that just because you're small, doesn't mean you're powerless. Don't be afraid of the extra length in your jeans, but get them hemmed my dear, there's no need to look as though you're always playing dress up. While we're on the topic of looks, embrace your curls - the sooner you do, the sooner you'll appreciate the man that gave you them, I know you miss him, and that's okay. Grandpa Curly was a great man, and he loved you very much - Gram wasn't lying when she said you were his favourite. And those curls, when you get to university, and yes - you get there, those curls will also make getting ready about 10 times faster so learn how to manage them now, it'll save you money on products and a ton of time - and guess what?..one day you'll find someone with hair just like yours, but that is a story for later.

When you make the decision to move out of your father's, that guilt you feel, don't. I know you don't want to leave your little brother behind, but just remember, part of being a hero is knowing when you don't need to be one anymore - he's gonna be just fine, you raised him right. No, you're not being selfish, it's about time you do something for yourself. Plus, it makes for a very interesting 4 years. You'll sleep on more couches than beds, but you'll learn a lot along the way.
For example, when you're staying with the Bury's, that moment Gail looks you in the face and says "Don't you rob me of the opportunity to bless you." what you feel in that moment, it's love, just hug her back. She's a wise woman and cares a lot about you. That one line, it's gonna stick with you for years to come, and in those moments you don't think you deserve the love that nice people are pouring out, remember that giving love feels almost as good as getting it. And by the way, I realize you wont know how to do it, but thank the Ellis family, you stay with them for a long time, they are the first steps in a long route of freedom...and plus, they're the ones that take you to Camp Crossroads for the first time - thank them for that especially, you meet some great friends there.

I know sometimes you feel like your life is going nowhere, and that it's headed there fast, but hear me when I tell you that by the time your twentieth birthday rolls around, your life will be on the best path possible. Even though you've been made to feel that you are unworthy of it your whole life, you will finally begin to learn what love is..and I'll let you in on a little secret, not a single one of those boys will be the one to teach you. Not to ruin the whole surprise, but it'll be your parents, yes my darling, you get those and man oh man, they're crazy, but they'll love you more than your little heart will be able to process. But when you move in with them, dive in head first, hold nothing back, because it'll save the first 4 months wasted on fighting their love. On the note of wasting time, let dad hug you, relax, he's not going to hurt you and he's never let anyone else hurt you again either. And that's another thing, there are so, so, SO many people out there that love you already, stop fighting it. I know you're scared, but that fear, it's not of God and you know it. And yes, I realize that's easier said than done..but when you make the choice to let love in, it gets easier.

There's so much I want to tell you, and so many things I want to save you from, but if I don't let you go through it, you wont learn the lessons waiting for you in each hardship. But watch that pride, your stubbornness will often leave you learning things a much harder way than necessary. 
Stop blaming yourself, it really wasn't your fault, and no, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, I can see it in your eyes. Those rockabye baby browns will always give you away. Oh and while I'm at it, put those damn blades away child, Lesley and everyone else that finds out later, they're right; those little pieces of metal are not going to do you any good, no matter what the lies tell you, not a single one of those scars is going to make anything better. Listen, the longer you hold on to them, the harder it is to let them go, and you are so much better than that.

But something I need to tell you, and this one is going to hit that soft spot you keep hidden...but that song you sang yourself to sleep with as a kid, let yourself hold it as dear to your heart as you want to, because even though no one ever sang it to you like you wished for: you do in fact become somebody's Sunshine. And I understand it terrifies you that one day you might not be her only sunshine, but please don't suffer through weeks of super anxiety, only to be calmed when you hear from one of her best friends that she can see how you've taken their grey skies away to truly believe how much they love you (yes silly, I'm referring back to those parents you get). As much as the song says, don't take my sunshine away, it's okay that you try to run away that one time, just call Krissy a few minutes sooner, she'll help you realize that it's okay that it took you running away to realize you'll always have a home to come back to.

Another thing I will save you from is that night you drive back from Vaughn after visiting with Kathryn and the girls, write down the directions before you leave, and most of all take it easy, the roads are slippery and that van in front of you is going to stop much sooner than you're ready for it to. Don't worry though, the damage will get paid for under the table, it's not on your driving record.

Oh yah! and that girl with the long black hair that you meet in media studies, the one you make that ridiculous balloon video with, in about a years time, she becomes your best friend. You'll spend more time together than is likely good for either of you, but she's going to be the one to put up with all your irrational freak outs and all of your weird thoughts. Don't worry though, she's just as strange and sarcastic as you are. Just don't forget to thank her every now and then. She really is incredible, don't be afraid to remind her - after all, she is your best friend.

I guess if I can leave you with anything, it would be to hug people back, I know you really love it - even from behind all those walls, and I know you grew up fast and you grew up hard but it's okay to just be a kid sometimes too - you've earned it. Please, please believe me when I tell you that your life really becomes something beautiful, I know it's hard to believe, but trust me on this one. Better yet, trust God, He's got a really great plan, run to Him, not away - if you do, every time you fall, the landing will be softer. I know it's hard, but it is so worth it, you're so worth it.

With love from the future,
20 year old you.

PS, Go give Mindy a hug, it's the least you can do: she's going to be the one that answers all those late night phone calls for the next couple years. She's even the one who moves you into your dorm in your first year of university, and she's going to be like a big sister to you your whole life long, thank God for her - no seriously, thank Him for her. She'll be one of the main people who gets you to at least 19, then your parents kind of take over. But that's okay, don't worry, she's still there.http://decafwillalwaysbedownstairs.blogspot.ca/2013/10/ooh-child-things-are-gonna-get-easier.html